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It's 2011, oh thank heaven !

It's been a rainstorm of deaths, and I just recently lost a really valuable family friend whom was like a second dad my entire childhood. So I made a promise to try to put family first, as well as my health. I'm going to join a gym, and make a goal set of a weight loss of 90 pounds by next year. I have far too much to lose, and possibility of heart disease or cancer runs wild in my bio logical genes so I'm working on making a better brand new me.

Figures within a matter of days, I've come down with this nasty sneak attack cold that's been going on and I've been trying to avoid like the black plague. I wash my hands like a religion, then Lysol every object the sick person had already touched. Looks like my fool proof plan, wasn't such a plan after all, I just feel like a fool for thinking I could of been germ free.

I'm going to try sleep, even though I feel like a rake scratched the back of my throat, and my nose is a runny mess. I'm the epitome of hot mess right now. 

xox Night

Serious contemplation

I messed up, like in the biggest way possible. I'm ashamed of how I acted, and the way I neglected an amazing friend. I've tried talking to them, but their on eggshells about even responding back. Which understandable, by trying to better myself and get back to reality I cut them out but not on purpose. I wish I could go back in time, kick my own ass and get myself on the right path. So tonight I'm trying to make right of all my misfortune, fights, and drama they have ever had t deal with. I was an complete douche to you, and yes you didn't deserve that and my bipolar mood swings and illogical thoughts. 

I met you at an awkward stage of my life, I began thinking for myself and trying to manage my sanity while being driven insane by my parents. You drove me to strive for better things, and think better and do better for myself. And the thought of losing a friend, because I was an idiot basically breaks my heart.


I still have the cough, where I feel my back curl and my kidneys scream for dear life. I still am exhausted, because the meds knock me out for most of the day and I'm in a drug acoma Dr. perscribed remind you. I'm really depressed, when I do feel better somone always has something to say to ruin the moment. I don't eat alot, but I've gained weight like a horse.

I'm starting to think, perhaps I need a strictly fluids diet since the nice man said continously you need fluids to help cure you of this. and what is this wonderful ailment I praise so much? Bronchitis, no drama, no bullsit stright out pain in the ass, what a way to start summer.

.... leave it up to me, to be the only idiot sick in the begining of summer.  SHIT..

Almost got rid of this dirt nasty bronchitis epidemic. It's had me in it;s grasp for about a week, and mind you I've been sleepless most of that time. I can't sleep walk myself to the bathrroom to be sick, damn it all. I've paid for my account once more now that I have some time to give a slight preview into my now cursed and sick world, I'm almost free of the codine acoma the nice man gave me from the emergency room. Glad he did, or else I would be still losing weight and a stick figure on the bed. Lovely thought isn't it?

I'm ready to be well, and eat a normal meal once more. I need it to save my sanity, quite honestly.


 I finally caved and went to the ER, out of exhaustion and a panic attack I had enough I lasted a week of being sick. I only have bronchitis, the nice man gave me Codine to help control the cough and keep the nasuea at bay. I'm a happy duckling, although is makes me delusional and sleepy I'm making a reapid recovery. So yes, If I dont anwser my phone it;s because I'm passed out from taking my meds. 

A girls got to get her beauty sleep you know.

Is there a doctor in the house ?!?

I've been sick for weeks at a time, but today there was some hope in me recovering from my allergies. I got sick, like hold the toilet bowl on the sides for dear life sick. I now feel like I'm melting, and have little energy at all. I just want to shower and then take a nap, and see where I go from there. Today was going to be the first day I felt normal and well for 2 weeks, got to love the false hope of allergies !

If I don't see little change at all soon, I'll be forced to go to the doctor. I can't procrastinate because it's my own health dangling on the line, and not a chore to put aside for later. To be quite frank with you I can;t honestly remember what healthy is, I have had such short intervals of it since I was younger.

I'm not sure what to do currently, I'm hot sweaty, full of fatigue but I still remain to have my sense of humor.


An endless spiral, of uncertainties. My main concern,,as always is my sanity. How do you know when to ngive up, and when to push yourself further to see how much firther you can go? I feel myself slipping, slolwly into a nothingless rutt and I'm grasping for anything but it's all loose ends. When you see an abyss, of which is supposed to be your foundation and it's to big to grasp onto. What are you to do?


I've been crying myself to sleep lately, and when I'm all cried out I sleep restlessly.
And the one person I need, is barely giving me the time of day.
But that's my stupidity, kicking me in the ass once more.

Oye Vey

Well Mark's in Iraq, they gave him the official job of convoy gunner. I almost passed the fuck out, when I was told. But unfortunately, in the military they stick you exactly where they need you. So I've been stressing over that a few days, but haven;t said much because I'm just besides myself on what to do.

I also gave my two week notice, at the retail store I worked 3 and a half years for. I wasn't going anywhere but crazy, to be absolutely honest with you. I get to actually dress nice, and not have navy blue shirt, and khakis on all the damn time. It's an office job, it's a small office so 10 people can't bark orders all at once. I'm excited and hopeful of this entire thing.

Also my only true muse, has stopped talking to me. I forgot about them while I was running around, like a chicken with her head cut off.  They're mad and I can see why, I really am sorry. You're the rock that keep me rolling, you're an constant hope of light. Please don't give up on me, when I need you the most now.  I'm absolutely lost, without you by my side.

Well shit

Yeah I lost track of myself my apologies, I have an crazy amount of things going on and it consumed me for a bit. Let's see where do I begin...

Mark left for Germany hesitantly, then 5 days after being there he found out in October he's going to Iraq. But after 6 months of being over there, he can come home for 3 weeks. I get a chance every now and then to talk to him online, but being 6 hours ahead there is no really good time to call anyone. He also gave me his new German cell phone number. It's about 15 numbers long, I was like shit kid talk about a long distance number !

As for work, I'm trying to scrounge a office job. Kind of hard, when basically nobody is looking for anyone. I remain optimistic, I won't have to do my job along with thew other slackers jobs as well. I'm just tired of nasty attitudes being thrown at people, who have done absolutely nothing wrong to deserve them. That's gotten more then old, no wonder why the store is short staffed and nobody wants to work here. The only thing special about the place, is the store itself.

Gah and I've beeen helping people paint their places, move their junk and anyt5hing else possible to throw in the mix. I've burned myself out.


.♥. J o d i .♥.

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January 2011